What Happened When I Gained 10 Pounds
So what REALLY happened when I gained weight!?!?! A topic that I have wanted to share with y’all for a long time, but I wasn’t ready and the words never really came together, when I tried to sit down and talk about WEIGHT GAIN! It’s not an easy one to share, because for a while I had mixed emotions about gaining weight. I felt awkward, angry, swollen, icky, insecure, out of control, and uncomfortable in my own skin. It was a weird spot that I didn’t like. I was scared and unhappy, but I KNEW this was part of the process of HEALING! I had to trust it…I had to believe in it…I had to just DO IT!
But before we dive into this post and get into the GOOD STUFF, let me just say that the WEIGHT GAIN was 100% necessary! Right now, I weigh in at 123. At my lightest, I was probably 113 pounds about 4 years ago (WHAT THE FLYING FUCK)!!! Scary right? How was I functioning? How was I working out? How was I living? How was I not injured? I was an unhealthy, unhappy, sad person, who was hardly functioning, but yet somehow working, working out, but mostly just trying to survive! It breaks my heart to think about the old me and what I did to my body, what I did to my mind, what I missed out on…it is a lot to think about and it breaks my heart when I think about all the energy that went towards something so unhealthy!
** QUICK Pep Talk to MYSELF - Deep breaths Katie, because that was the past and this is the NOW and you are in such a better place mentally, emotionally, and physically! Keep going…Keep believing!**
When I started this journey of gaining my health and my life back, the first few months were awkward. Immediately when I started to consume more calories, my body was like holy shit she’s feeding us! I immediately started gaining weight, but like I said it was uncomfortable. My body had a hard time adjusting to the new nutrients, almost like it couldn’t keep up, so what happened was that I immediately felt swollen and felt bloated. But our bodies are so resilient and strong and it was healing itself and figuring it out, just like I was from the outside. Thank YOU body for healing me and being patient with me!
EFFECTIVE WORKOUTS
The gains that I have made in my workouts have left me speechless! I wake up and thank my body for giving me grace through the years of punishment! A strong word, but when I think about it, I was truly punishing my body. I wasn’t kind to it. I wasn’t nourishing it. I was pushing it hard every single damn day. I was basically a raging bitch to my body. So the fact that she has stayed with me and is giving me a second chance to do the right thing is AMAZING and I will never forget that.
My workouts feel so DAMN GOOD! I can see the muscle growth and can feel my overall strength growing…GOSH I LOVE THAT! My energy during my workouts is solid. am taking full advantage of my rest days. More walking…Heavier weights with longer rest periods…Stronger runs…I listen to my body and back off when I need to. I am doing the RIGHT things when it comes to training and this makes me feel good from the inside out. I am almost a little giddy, because after years of working out and just being exhausted ALL THE TIME, it is refreshing, energizing, and inspiring to know I’m doing all the right things.
It is no longer about being skinny. It is about being strong, healthy, functional, and living a long healthy life, so that I can be around for a while to enjoy this beautiful life that I live.
HAIR GROWTH
I lost A LOT of hair over the years of my eating disorder, but I will never forget one time when I was in the shower and it was coming out in clumps. I was so scared and had no idea what was going on, but yet I still kept starving myself and ignoring the signs. Not ready to get help, I put a band-aid on the situation and got extensions to cover up my damaged hair for almost two years. They were beautiful and thick and fun, but it was covering up so much of what I was afraid to expose.
When I decided to take them out was when I decided to get help and decided to cut it all off and start fresh. Best decision that I ever made. It was a beautiful gift to myself. I felt lighter, happier, and ready to start the healing process of having healthier hair. Just like our bodies, when you nourish your hair with the right foods and vitamins it too will grow back and I’m grateful that mine has. It is thicker than it’s ever been and it is growing and growing fast. Our bodies are truly fascinating and resilient and I thank mine for being patient with me.
BALANCED HORMONES…HEALTHY GUT…OVERALL HEALING ON THE INSIDE
My inside was a MESS! I was constipated all the time. I had to take laxatives. I was bloated. I started to not be able to eat a lot of foods, because they were upsetting my stomach. I had no sex drive. I wasn’t sleeping. My periods were painful and not good. Like I said…I was a mess! My body was shutting down and it was also holding on for dear life. I was feeding it so little that it was in starvation mode. HORRIBLE and SAD!
Through lots of work, patience, and nourishment I am so so so so much better! I still have more work to do, but that is okay, I will get there. I am now regular (except for days I travel…LOL). My skin and hair is better. My periods are getting better each time. I am back to eating ALL THE FOODS without discomfort or fear. My body loves this. Sex drive is back. I feel better from the inside out.
MORE ENERGY MORE HAPPINESS MORE LOVE MORE ALL THE THINGS
ARGH…That picture below brings up all the emotions…I was NOT happy…I was depleted…starving…living off scoops of peanut butter…That smile was covering up so much stress, pain, and sadness. I was miserable and miserable to be around. But Shannon, my friends, and my family were still there for me and that means SO MUCH TO ME! I no longer fit in those shorts or that bra. I have actually thrown out all of those shorts, because my quads and butt can no longer fit in them. I have thrown out a lot of clothes, because I know that I will no longer be able to wear them, so what’s the point of keeping them around?!?! It actually felt pretty good to part with them. My NEW body has more muscle, curves, and a booty…So long pancake butt!
I truly do feel like a different person. I look like a different person. I am a HAPPIER person. I still have days when it isn’t cupcakes and unicorns, when the eating disorder flares up, but my HAPPY days outnumber my sad days and that is a milestone for me on this journey. I smile more, I laugh more, I am learning to just live and let go of the old rules that held me back for so many years. It’s not worth dwelling on the past anymore, because all of the work that I have put in is setting me up for success. So if there are bad moments, where things feel like I’m going down a dark rabbit hole, I reach out to my friends, I have a moment, I use my tools, and I move the fuck forward.
OOF…This is a lot and it is sometimes hard to relive those days, but I hope that when I talk about my journey it helps someone else out there, to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It’s okay to ask for help…It’s okay to not be okay…You are loved and people, family, and friends WANT to help you. They want to see you THRIVE!
My journey is far from over. I am always doing the work emotionally, physically, and nutritionally. It is NOT easy, but my health is 100% worth it. I still have days and weeks when I struggle. I still am learning to be kind to my body. My GOALS have changed over the past couple of months as far as my training and I am realizing that if I want to do what I want to do, it is time to get uncomfortable and fuel properly, which means more food. So my recovery is far from over, but that is OKAY with me. I am here to do the work and I am ready to continuing do the work, it just will be a little different this time and honestly, I am REALLY EXCITED!
xoxo
